Finland has made broadband a legal right for all of its citizens. That’s right. If you live in Finland, no longer will you be denied the right to Google farts while your wife is scolding you. Go ahead and watch that Kirk Cameron biography in HD, if you wish.

This country would do well to take notice of Finland’s leadership. In fact, while we’re at it, here’s some other legal rights we should be granted. If I was in charge, you would have the right to:

choose a movie for somebody who takes longer than 5 minutes at a Redbox kiosk. That’s right. You get to watch “Tooth Fairy.”

drive the speed limit if somebody is following 12 inches behind you.

The right to blame environmentalists for intestinal distress. (Sarah Palin asked if I could get that one in.)

Ban any mention of Kate Gosselin’s love life on magazines in the checkout line.

Fine news stations for calling a story “breaking news,” even though it broke two hours earlier.

Get help at the DMV in less than two hours.

Have a store employee not guess which aisle they keep the toilet paper.

Fine athletes for pointing to the sky after hitting a home run. Honestly, God doesn’t care.

Insist that your boys wear pants higher than their thighs.

Insist on a worthwhile spam filter.

What other rights would you include?