Is This Mike On?

Waking up is not a problem in our house if I wake up before you.

Because if I get to you, you won’t be sleeping much longer after I walk in the room. Give me one trip into the room and I will deliver the sleeping dead to you.

The bedroom lights go on at 6:45 a.m. or earlier. I reach up on the top bunk, grab all the covers and pull back with a hard yank.

I throw on my most obnoxious voice and it usually doesn’t take long.

First the head jerks up, hands rub the eyes and they try to pause, hoping that I go away. But I don’t. A few seconds later, he moves to the edge of the bunk to climb down.

They wish for the old me, when wake-up calls could easily last a half hour or more. Pretend to stir, wait for me to leave and then drop down on the bed.

That doesn’t happen anymore.

Considering the anxiety of our mornings, I would wake them up the night before if I could. Sometimes it takes them that long to get ready.

“Yes, you’ve had 15 minutes of sleep,” I say. “Quit complaining and get up for school.”

—

Nobody should watch breakfast at our house, unless Jack Bauer needs to force some information from some terrorist.

Jack: “You are gonna tell me how to find the rest of the vials now. If you don’t, you will sit here at the table. You will see the cereal overflowing in the bowl in a lake of milk. The boys chewing their food will make you scream. I won’t be able to help you then.”

If that’s not bad enough, try throwing a Cujo dog into the mix.

The scene was in the early 90s and my three young girls at the time were sitting quietly eating breakfast at our table.

A knock at the door. The dog we were watching had arrived. The owner had barely let her in the house when she bolted for the table.

The next few seconds seem like slow motion, even after all these years.

A mid-sized mutt racing at full speed.

Unsuspecting girls quietly eating bowls of cereal.

Dog leaping into air and landing on top of the table.

Cereal and milk raining down upon my girls and seconds later, the screaming.

It’s not something you want to wake up to, is it?