If I were somebody else

If I could drive this, I might become an officer.

If I were a police officer, it would be fun to drive fast with a siren. I could pull over the people I don’t like and ask, “do you know why I pulled you over?” But I get really jumpy and would probably end up shooting the pope by mistake. That’s if he ever came to our town, of course. So that probably wouldn’t work out.

If I were a baker, everything I created would be completely made of lemon. Because I like lemon. On Saturdays, I would alternate between cherry and peach pies and I would never, ever make cakes with that lard icing. But knowing me, I would lick the mixing bowl a lot, get really fat and a bunch of people would get sick and sue me. Cross that one off my list.

If I were a mob boss, nobody would dress better than me and I would never have to pay for a sporting event in my life. I could reach over and slap Pac-Man Jones and his posse couldn’t do a thing about it. Because you know what happens when you mess with mob bosses. But then again, my wife would find out about my secret life and I would have to go in the witness protection program.

If I were a doctor, it would be really cool to say “clear!” I could walk in the room, ask them to cough, look puzzled and charge them $200. But people would always ask me to diagnose them and I would probably remove the wrong organ by mistake.

So I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.